Monday, January 12, 2009

whskrs on ktns

All I do these days is to emit these dreadful cawing noises with which I really hesitate to lambast the internet for fear of coming home to a row of scarecrows in my comments box. I was earlier going to damn the consequences and spew out a list of the things pudding boy has been up to but then I got a salutary text from a fellow Mum and realised that ultimately, the internet is better off without all my flapping about.

I met girl X while pregnant - we met online in fact, in a forum for expectant Mums and we hit it off. We txted, we dropped e (mail) to each other, we LOLed around and ultimately we met up which was nice, by which I mean that I think we struggled a bit to connect. But it was nice. She's lovely and sweet and all raindrops on roses and a good 11 or 12 years younger than me. She doesn't belong in my creaking, leathery company; by which, of course, I mean that when stood next to her black-belt fitness and clear skin, all my aged glory is clearly apparent.

So, we went back to txting and this was fine. We had a network of other Mums we'd never met who would text each other at 4am "Come in London, RU up? Just doing feed 2" and it was an amazement to me to think of the millions of us awake at 4am with a baby latched on to a boob, just getting through the night.

Soon however, her texts took a turn for the worse. Her baby was bigger, stronger, eating more, sitting up earlier, grabbing things, rolling over, crawling... I don't think she meant in a million years to be competitive but there it was, failure with every text. I started to wrestle with my urge to out-do her and the more I wrestled, the blander my texts got as I steered clear of anything competitive - but it kept coming. If I was tired, she hadn't slept for two days. If Charlie was smiling, her baby was laughing. If we'd been out for a walk, they'd been up a mountain... After two of three months of it I just couldn't do it anymore. My responses dwindled, emails sat malevolently in my inbox chirping cheerily to themselves... Eventually, nicely and naturally, we dropped touch.

Yesterday she texted again out of the blue 'just to see how you are' and immediately I knew: she's pregnant again. I texted back, enquiring and she spilled the beans without hesitation. She's up the duff, her son is big and strong and wonderful and doing this and doing that and... and... oh, internet, I shamed myself... I let the poor girl have it; both barrels. All the caws and the wing flaps and the hoarding of shiny things in two words: 'potty trained'. And there's more, I have more if I need it. Much more. Oh yes.

I am so sorry. I will do penance, I promise. I will clean the damn potty with a q-tip. I will sing 100 choruses of the 'Balamory' theme song. I will play 'Ring-a-ring-a-rosy with my son until my ears bleed and I cannot stand up anymore. I will let him jump on me until I need a new spleen. I will feed him chocolate at 8pm and stay up with him all night reading Charlie and Lola and listening him create break-beats from the siren on his fire-engine.

I will, however, do it again if I have to. Hell yeah.

Better hand me those q-tips.


Anonymous said...

I know just the type. At post-natal classes I witnessed rows (okay, heated discussions) between mothers who were comparing...Apgar scores. The pressure starts early. Poor little beans.

Sparx said...

Jennie - you're joking! Oh my oh my oh my... over the Apgar scores? But... but... holy cow. I got an ulcer just thinking about it.

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

Hells bells, I dread to think what you said to her!

I remember telling a mum that at the age of 2 my son was on the 91st centile and she was all 'oh never mind' (her's was perfect of course) and I felt totally deflated and a very bad mother.
But as it turns out my son was very tall for his age and is now tall and handsome and set to break hearts, so yah boo sucks to you Perfect Mummy!

Elsie Button said...

and bloody good for you!!!

Now, please give me some potty training tips! Pleeeeeeease. Betty pretends she can't hear me whenever i mention the dreaded potty

Jonny's Mommy said...

Good for you! I have a few people I've wanted to do that to from time to time. Not any bloggy friends, but others I have actually met and seem to want to brag about how great their two-year olds are or how advanced their 1-year old is. My mom always told me to never compare my child to anyone elses....with that the Spud totally potty trained now? Jonathan is totally not interested and you can totally brag to me if you want. :-)

Jen said...

I have many things to say. First off, I honestly enjoy hearing all the things Charlie is doing/learning. Secondly, I hope that you don't feel this way about me!
Third, we are mommy bloggers - I think we are supposed to write about our kids!
If you feel that she is constantly trying to outdo you, why don't you talk to her about it? This is something I never understood. If I do something to annoy someone, I would want to know, in a nice way of course.
As far as her emailing you to tell you she is pregnant again... That is the best thing that can happen to a person. I don't see how sharing that with anyone is being competitive, unless she knows that you have been trying for a while.

Sue said...


Give it to her. I had one such friend. Cut off contacts as of this month on because I couldn't take it any more.

The way I see it, you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. You aren't I won't!

mama rachele said...

It's been too long since I've checked your blog, and I loved reading this post! We all have those competitive moms in our midst, and I love how you handled it initially, and how you gave it to her now! Congrats on Charlie's big success with the potty, and go ahead and brag about him on YOUR blog- he seems like such a precious little guy, with such spirit- and I love reading about him.

Sparx said...

Hi all

I responded to most of your comments but I seem to have not actually managed to put my brain in gear and actually submit the comment...

Anyway, so thanks for commenting... I just want to say that firstly, I can't believe some of the competitive comments you've all had. And, secondly, that I bear my friend no malice at all and I know she probably agonised over texting me as she knows how much I want Number 2 and probably didn't want me to find out via anyone else. I know she's just being sweet and lovely but after 2 years of holding my tongue I just had to come out with it!

Finally, reading other Mums boasting about their kids seems somehow different then hearing it - and clearly I am the number-one biggest proud Mama. With the emphasis on 'big' these days...!


Sparx said...

PS, can I just use the word 'comment' again? I don't think I used it enough in my last... er... comm... oh balls.

Ivanna said...

Ha ha.. you go, Sparx! :)