Friday, July 06, 2007

Mama's Boy...


I worry for my son. Every morning I have a coffee and no matter what I drink it from, he covets it. If I ever have trouble getting him to drink fluids I’ll just have to disguise them as a large latte and he’d be soaking his nappies in no time. I don’t know if it’s the smell of coffee he loves, or if it’s just that he sees me with one every morning and just as he covets phones, laptops and remote controls, he believes that coffee will catapult him into the world of walking, talking and avoiding the gas bill. Thus we find him on the 10:55 to Hampton Court Palace Flower Show avidly sucking the air out of my empty cup to the horror of several ladies of the elderly persuasion.

This was nothing compared to what he did on returning home which was to poke one of his one hundred grabby little hands through the flap of the recycling bin, take out last night’s beer can, find the business end and tilt it back like an old pro. What’s funniest about this is that the frog wouldn’t be seen dead drinking from the tin and always decants, meaning that the spud worked this one out on his own.

Much however as I would love him to remain an innocent baby for longer, there is clearly more fun to be had here and the trouble is the accidental nature of this hilarity. My friend’s 3-year old sat on the grass at the flower show drinking apple juice and announced ‘I dinking beer, I on the razzle-dazzle’ and, after I stopped snorting and admiring his father for this piece of genius, I immediately began to wonder what sort of things I could teach the spud in the coming years which would provide that precise level of entertainment.

The one thing I really want to avoid is anything involving the spud requesting boobs in public – it’s bad enough that he rustles around under my shirt out there in the wide world. Given his proximity to his first birthday and the ease of the word ‘boob’ on a baby’s fledgling vocabulary and there’s an hilarious moment on a bus coming my way any day.

I confess that I’m of two minds on this. I know many women who have breastfed up to two years and beyond and I always thought I’d never be one of them. However, once one gets past the six month point, one (and one’s spud) has become habituated. Breast-feeding, so difficult at the start, turns out to be Lazy Mum’s Helper at this point. Baby won’t sleep? Boob him! Baby won’t eat? Boob him! Baby crying? Boob him! Baby doesn’t love his Mum? Who can tell when he loves Boob so much? This perhaps rests at the core of my indecision – I mean, if I’m not breastfeeding him then why would he love me? Anyway, I’ve decided to take him off them before he can negotiate with me because I don’t want him dropping any bon mots that I haven’t planted.

In the meantime, I know my brother is planning many such verbal trickeries on my poor spud and so perhaps I should take it easy on him until then. Tomorrow however, I think I shall drink my coffee from a gin bottle.

12 comments:

Samantha said...

My nearly two year old does the exact same thing with both the coffee and any alcoholic beverage we may have within reach. He guzzles back a long-neck with surprising (and shocking) ease and grace.

Just wait till they hit college age - it will be a party-trick for certain!

lady macleod said...

Too funny. As I have said before, rear your child so they will amuse you when they are grown (see files on Q's quotes).

This child becomes more adorable every day. Once he's off the juice don't you think he'd enjoy a nice holiday to Morocco? I could send him back home with a drum...

Helen said...

I breast fed my oldest until she weaned herself at 18 months. It was the happiest and saddest day of my life. I could finally go back to wearing a bra that didn't have flaps in the front, but I lost some precious cuddle time with my baby from then on. Now I'm on baby number two. She's at 13 months, and I'm tired of nursing bras and being scratched and bit, but I'm in no hurry to wean. She does have a habit of wanting to eat/drink whatever I have. She screams if I don't give her a real cup as opposed to a sippy cup. Gotta be careful how much milk I put in it though. On Wednesday, somebody gave her a full cup of milk, and when she tilted it back, she snorted a lot of it up her nose. She screamed and squirted milk out of both nostrils for several minutes.

Shek said...

Spud seems to be starting the caffeine rush early. The puppy will be a big dog in no time!
I am hooked on to caffeine too. Cant do anything but a double shot!

Shek said...

kick up that caffeine, there is some thinking to do.

You are tagged. More details here: link

Suki said...

This is hilarious! Keep it up, Spud, and you'll be a stud in no time! :P

PS: the YouTube link isn't working from my pc, for some reason. :(

The Good Woman said...

What timing. I had Bambi in a supermarket this morning and picked up some Diet Coke for the Good Man. She announced in full voice. 'I don't like that! Yuk!' Which was fine. But then she carried on, 'and I don't like wine either'. Knowing that she's never had any, I was quite happy to respond with 'and what do you make of Cognac?'.

It was only then that I noticed that we had quite an audience...

jAMiE said...

So cute...i just love your blog, though i am childless...i just picture him drinking from your coffee cup and laugh!

Sparx said...

Samantha - I love the thought of a 2 year old with a long neck - ahead of the game for college already...

Lady M - hmmm... holiday in Morocco! Mind you I reckon the spud would wreck the place...

Helen - we had an episode like that with mango juice... it came out of his nose but not out of his t-shirt...

Shek - tagged! Argh... will follow up in a bit.

Suki - I can't get that link to work either :( might remove it.

TGW - Hahahahaa! I hope I have that sort of wit wih the spud. That's a great story.

Jamie - thanks hon, glad you're laughing!

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh yes, BF'ing sooo much easier than doing anything else, no effort required... Enjoy your coffee from the bottle...

Anonymous said...

i had a boyfriend he lived with his mother this whole life so far, thay bought a house together and they were going to sell it in 2 years and now it's been 4 years, his mother relied on him and she raised him to feel sorry and gulity and to take care of her. they really had a sick relationship they would walk around the house naked and his mother would watch her son pee, i don't uinderstand how people can raise they kids like this!

Anonymous said...

in conclusion to all of this do not eaver fall in love with someone who is inlove with there mother