Thursday, January 24, 2008

Mumaerobics

OK ladies, time to shift some of that winter flab.

Take your child under the arms in both hands and let’s begin. Hold in your tummy aaand, lift – and rest. Lift – and rest. Lift – tickle tickle tickle! – and rest. Now, put your child down. Crouch – and stand. He’s complaining! So, crouch – and stand. Crouch – and stand. Crouch, aaaaand rest. Good... Now your child is probably clutching at your knees and begging for more so let’s repeat that A HUNDRED TIMES!!!!

OK, bingo wings! Lie down with your child on your chest, hold him and lift! Now bring him back down and plant a smacker on his forehead. Up and down, up and down... Eight more… seven… six… good enough.

Stay where you are I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO WEE, pull your knees up to your chest and rest him on your shins. Hold his hands out like aeroplane wings, straighten your legs as far as you can and make aeroplane noises… Pull your knees back up to your chest! Again! Pause! Again! Pause! Again! OK, ten more… nine… eight… bugger it.

Now, stand up and try to sing a nursery rhyme while waltzing around the livingroom with him on your hip – How about '100 bottles of gin on the wall'? No, you can't stop because he has his fingers up your nose!

Aaaaand, relax. Put him down and let him attach himself to your leg. Walk slowly around your house picking up toys, take them to the toy-box and put them away. A great workout for those abs – and for your temper too!

Now, pry him off your leg and pour yourself that drink. Give him a whole packet of baby carrot wotsits and attach him to the sofa by his reins.

Try to wake up before your other half comes home.

22 comments:

Chart Smart said...

NICE Blog :)

Sparx said...

NICE spam :)

Suki said...

NICE post, NICE comments!

Nicest is Charlie's mischievous grin :D

Sparx said...

NICE Suki!! This was his cunning hiding spot, I had NO IDEA where he was!!!

Lola said...

NICE. Very nice. I enjoyed reading, but won't be following the exercise plan. No child, for one reason.

Lijy said...

thanx for exercise steps. needed it very badly. will let u know if it worked or not.

Driving With the Brakes On said...

Have you been spying in my front window?! Don't forget continuous sippy cup retrieval during mealtime - bending over to pick-up that blasted cup a dozen times does wonders for lovehandles!

Shannon said...

As I was reading this I was thinking about how much of this stuff I do everyday and I still have those five holiday pounds so... how much am I really eating? I mean I have two fairly heavy kids. The lifting should count for something!

Too funny that he hid! I am laughing with you from experience because I have lost both of my kids in similar ways. I taught Ben so say "Shh" when he was hiding so that I would have a chance of finding him!

Jen said...

I have to go lay down after reading this post. Like Shannon said, I can't understand why I'm not losing weight with all that bending to pick up toys, and lifting a heavy toddler, and chasing him around all day! (whine, whine, whine)

Sparx said...

Lola - hello and welcome - don't worry, it doesn't work anyway! Thanks for coming by.

Lijy - good luck! Thanks for dropping over.

Shannon - I just think that we're programmed to keep the extra weight just in case we need it one day, for like, feeding our children or something! Good to see you.

Jen - Maybe we'll lose more weight when they're running around and we're chasing them?! Good to see you!

DJ Kirkby said...

Hmmmm...I see no mention of you eating the majority of those carrot wotzits after tasting one and realsing they actually are YUMMY! You should start a mum's exercise group, call it Jelly Bellies or something. I'd do it except for two 'teensy' problems, N3S stands as tall as my armpits now and also my Aspie behaviours are kinda detrimential to socialising on any scale of more than 1:1...

Elsie Button said...

Exactly what i've been trying to tell my friend who keeps trying to get me to go to bloody aerobics - i don't need it - i have a child.

A brilliant take on the physcial strength needed for the everydayness of it all. but why oh why am i still wobbly? All i have gained is a right arm full of muscles and veins!

Raz said...

Would it be alright if I stuck to cycling?
Actually, I do tend to lose weight when visiting my aunts and uncles, usually because I get the babysitting duties. I think you could make a fortune from renting out children to WeightWatchers members.

Anonymous said...

Cheer up everyone, soon be spring, then summer and all that chasing all over the park and fetching balls only to find the darling one went in the oposite direction: that'll move it. Sparx darling, it couldn't be the vodka, could it? All that lovely tonic? Great blurt, lovely picture

Ivanna said...

Hi Sparx-
you know, I was convinced that this was indeed a respectable workout regime (especially with two "dumbbells!"), but my flab is still here!! What gives??? :)

Sparx said...

Driving! Just realised I missed your comment last time... I'm so sorry! Yes, I have been looking in your window ;) I forgot that move... possibly because if it gets thrown on the floor more than once, it stays there... Great to see you!

DJ - I know, those carrot wotsits are fantastically yummy! Jelly bellies... yes, I have one of those too... I did a headstand the other day and made the mistake of casting my eyes towards my belly... never again! Thanks for popping over!

Elsie - I've been trying to switch arms when I pick him up but it's no good, one side is definitely more muscly than the other. This is, I confess, a rubbish routine! Great to see you!

Raz - cycling. Now there's a PROPER workout... judging by the state of me and the other commenters, this baby routine is not working at all... Thanks for popping by!

Anonymous parental unit - tonic? tonic? You put STUFF into vodka? The only fitting accompaniment to vodka is more vodka. Or two drops of vermouth. And an olive. Pah. x

Ivanna - I have no idea. I was convinced this would work too but no dice at all... I think the only way is to go to the gym. I have a gym membership... I guess that's the first step. Actually going would be the logical next one. Great to see you!

Helen said...

Sparx, you need to add more cardio to this workout! In our house, we have a "race track" (bottom floor is an open floor plan that runs in a big circle). The kids run laps and I just try to keep up with them. Do that for about one hundred laps while singing the William Tell Overture a the top of your lungs. Works like a charm!

Sparx said...

Helen - I want to live in YOUR house!! That sounds like the solution indeed - thanks for that! Good to see you.

Sue said...

Awww just LOOK at that grin.

I do wish you'd post a pic of the three of you some time, Sparx. Or just mail it to me?

:)

I know, I could always be a psycho. But I really like the current profile pic. Been meaning to tell you so for ages.

Sparx said...

Hi Sue! Oh, that's so kind - I posted a pic of all three of us at Christmas, if you look back down you'll find it! I don't think you're a psycho, I read your blog and you seem to be on an even keel! Or maybe I'm psycho too, who knows? Either way I think one loses a little sanity when one has a baby anyway!

Sue said...

LOL! I didn't realise it was you three. :)

I should've, no? I definitely should've. Next time I'll see the larger version of any photo.

Kisses to my favourite spud.

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