Tuesday, November 27, 2007

kiss kiss bang bang

I picked up the spud from his minder yesterday and from the confines of his buggy he made a little kissing sound at me. He’s done this before, it was his party trick a few party tricks ago. As cute tricks go, it’s a good one, however when it comes to planting a proper smacker on the cheeks of a hopeful parental unit, his skill-set is limited to a damp, open gape lined with fresh, sharp baby ivories. This lands on one’s cheek fairly enthusiastically, however tends to leave a wet trail at best, bruises at worst. Frequently it is merely the prelude to a big juicy raspberry blown on one’s neck in invitation to a giggling, raspberry-blowing battle.

While all this jolliness is very sweet it does take rather an imaginative leap to translate into the belief that my little spudlet is actually bestowing affection upon his aged parent’s cheek. Things, however, appear to have changed.

I pushed him home in the damp, him singing loudly nearly all the way, a little song whose lyrics go something like ‘oooahh, oooahh, duguyduguyduguy AH! AH! AH! and which translates, I think into ‘I’m ok, I’m ok, here I come here I come here I come Look At Me Look At Me Look At ME! I pitched in occasionally, counter-pointing his chorus with some off-beat ‘AH’s just to spice things up a little. We arrived at home leaving a trail of bemused commuters in our wake and potentially a few love-lorn cats. I unbuckled him from his restraints safety belt, picked him up for a cuddle and he landed a perfect smacker on my cheek, complete with a little kissy sound and a pucker. He then proceeded to take my face in his hands and lean in for a second one on the other cheek. After I came down from my motherly-love cloud I thought, ‘My god, he really is French.’

Following this triumph he has been handing out kisses to everyone which I have to say is not helping his relationship with the cat who is only within reach in the hope that the Spud has spare food.

This isn’t his only party trick this week. He arrived home on Monday with some random paintings of, er, Blue… and some Green… which apparently he had done without any help at all and he was, his minder informs me, the only child in the nursery who consistently put the paint brushes back into the pots. Well, you can imagine how much my motherly-love brain puffed itself up and strutted about the room at that one. I practically laid an egg while I was passing this information along to the Frog I was so full up with it all. My child! MY child! Finally leading the pack in something that doesn’t have to do with his being big and strong but with him potentially actually being clever. OK, so it’s not pointing at a picture and correctly verbalising the word ‘crocodile’ but face it, Everything Counts.

The Frog, however, had news for me on this one.

A new Spuddy favourite is the slamming of doors which means swift investment in those foam rubber door stops that save little fingers from becoming little fleshy spatulas. It also means that nobody is safe on the loo as the slamming doors trick is only possible courtesy of his opening doors trick. He’s been able to reach the door handles for months and has been opening them successfully for weeks. Now, however he’s become obsessed with the whole process and every door must be opened and shut the minute it is spotted on his route through the house in the cat’s wake. One must therefore remember to lock oneself into the WC whenever anything of importance is happening in there or one is liable to find oneself with one’s knickers around one’s ankles, exposed to whomever is unfortunate enough to be visiting at the time. Not to mention being exposed to the spud who is very curious about the whole goings-on and intent on investigating the entire process. This is perhaps educational if one has decided not to mind, however the trouble is that while he is too little to imitate the core of the matter, he is keen to demonstrate his understanding of the peripherals, such as the pulling of the loo roll, the button that makes the water flush and, crucially, the brush one uses to clean things up with.

Being of a rather hygienic nature, shall we say, the Frog is a regular cleaner of loos. This involves regular use of the loo brush which is kept in it’s own pot by the commode. The brighter of you may now see where this is going. Apparently, for the past few weeks, the spud has been watching his father clean the loo in the morning and then imitating him. This involves taking the brush out of the pot, putting it into the loo and then trying to put it back into it’s pot again – and hopefully, then having his hands washed by his father. Ahem.

What this is, apart from a ‘4’ on the disgusting scale (are you ‘1’, not disgusted at all, ‘2’ mildly disgusted, ‘3’ fairly disgusted, ‘4’ very disgusted or ‘5’, completely disgusted?), is perfect practice for getting a skinny little paint-brush back into a wide-mouthed jam jar. It also explains the little scrubby brush marks limited to a small corner of the paper and rather takes the wind out of my puffed up feathers.

I guess this week I’ll just settle for the kissing and hope that next week the nursery can deliver a different triumph – perhaps something that involves slamming a door.

.

41 comments:

Briget said...

OMG, hilarious!!! To wit;

I thought, ‘My god, he really is French.’

Well, obviously! Only a burgeoning Frog would know to buss on both cheeks. I love it.

And, having watched hundreds of kiddos in my Montessori classes through the years become fascinated with Taking Things Out And Putting Things Back In, you'd think I would have expected the Toilet Brush fascination. Not so. I howled. Much cheerfulness!!

Musical Midnight said...

I was chuckling amusedly at the Spud's latest antics when Hub walked in the room and asked what was so funny. I told him it was a cute baby blog, to which he at first rolled his eyes and went back to his computer. After sitting there a min or two he asked, "Well, are you going to read it aloud or not?" *insert grin*
I do have a habit of doing that when something is of interest to me.

If I keep this up, maybe fatherhood won't be such a foreign thing to him... if/when we decide to be ready for babies of our own. ;)
(But if things go according to plan, ie: I'm out of school first, it won't be for awhile yet.)

Sue said...

Ooh la la... I like his style already!

So here are more reasons to like spuds, huh? Not only does he kiss you on both cheeks, but he also cleans the loo!

Jen said...

My favorite line by far "I practically laid an egg..."! Love it! I've wanted to lay a few myself. I am jealous you are getting kisses. My son "allows" me to kiss him, but isn't showing any signs of returning the favor. Playing with the toilet brush - a 4 - but it could work to your advantage eventually. Thanks for the laughs.

Jonny's Mommy said...

OK, I think we are married to the same man and have the same child, only an ocean away. My little one is always playing with that brush that my hubby uses to clean the toilet (loo), so much so I finally hid it in the closet, which led to my own "frog" to pull it out and put it back in its place. his world was thrown off with it out of place or something. I am awaiting the door slamming incidents as well as the kiss!

Sparx said...

Briget - thanks! Taking Things Out and Putting Things In does seem to be a major thing with babies his age... just give them two bowls and a pile of bricks and they're happy for ages! Thanks for the visit!

Sparx said...

Musical Midnight - glad I can be the bridge to getting him thinking! It is ridiculous and funny, the whole thing. I'm sure when you're ready it'll be fantastic for you both. Good to see you!

Sparx said...

Sue - oh yes, spuds are more than just good eatin'!!! Great to see you!

Sparx said...

Jen - don't worry, he'll get there! They seem quite close together in development, hey? Thanks for popping over!

Sparx said...

Jonny's Mummy - OMG! Poor you! Although it is rather handy, hey?! Also very easy to tease someone like that. Very funny - great to see you!

Hoto said...

Oof. That painfully sums it up, doesn't it.

"Cute baby blog."

Perhaps this should be on the book jacket.

ilana (Helen) Pengelly said...

jonny's mom & Sparx
I need (read NEED) to know what aisle you found the men who clean toilets in and how much they cost. If I start putting loonies (Cdn funny money) in a jam jar now how soon will my toilets which are used by 4 (count 'em) 4 males be clean!?! Would the extra testosterone of another resident male in fact be offset by clean toilets. Hmmmm. yes I believe it would.

Shannon said...

I just love keeping up with your blog! How hilarious! You have a special gift of taking what we perceive as parents and putting it down just as we think it. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I had to make an effort not the wake the family. Much needed laughter!

Elsie Button said...

ha how funny! it's great that he's putting newly acquired skills to good use though ie. painting lovely pictures and wowing them at the nursery!

I loved the 'My god, he really is French.’ line. I don't think Betty will ever kiss me - she gets very cross when i kiss her and shoos me away, which is gutting!

Haven't seen you for a while! Hope all ok?

Self employed mum said...

You are just the funniest, you have me in laughter every time I visit. Our bathrooms is downstairs and faces the front door, many times I have had a child open the door to tell me there is someone at the front door! x

Elsie Button said...

at the risk of sounding like a mentalist (i blame it on PMT, and the 3 glasses of wine, and entire giant bag of Revels just consumed) have i offfended you, without realising? I miss your comments! Or maybe my blog is just a boring, v unfunny read right now...

Sparx said...

Hoto - tut tut tut... it IS cute you know. And, let's face it, that was you at the same age.

Sparx said...

Helen - you find them in the cleaning aisle, hungrily comparing bleaches with their nostrils flared...

Sparx said...

Shannon - thanks! You have to laugh though hey? That or go barmy. You should really be sleeping though, god knows parents never get enough of the stuff. Good to see you!

Sparx said...

Elsie - am very embarrassed as have read your blog but haven't commented - a hanging offense! I think sometimes my brain is in a parallel universe in which it does the things I think it's done... You'd never upset me, you're one of my favourites. Thanks for coming over and prodding me.

Sparx said...

Self Employed Mum - oh that's funny! Is that because they hear someone at the door and walk in on you to let you know? Or because they hear someone in the loo and think someone is at the door? Either way, I'm laughing. Great to see you.

Musical Midnight said...

By the way, Sparx, I found a comment you left a little while ago on one of my previous posts, to which I have now replied.

Kat said...

Mine cleans the toilet too... but can't open the door on his own yet, thankfully. We have to leave the bathroom doors closed at all times, with big signes taped to them to "KEEP DOOR CLOSED"! Otherwise he can be found scrubbing all kind of things with the toilet brush... and that's a FIVE.

darth sardonic said...

sparx, your stories are hilarious. not just the content, but your delivery is right up my alley. wait till he grabs you back the back of the head, parts his lips, and attempts to forcibly snog you!! not saying my kid has ever done that. wait, yes. yes, i am. as to kids' interest in all things bathroom, my youngest has nearly had his head peed on countless times, so interested was he in the goings on.

Elsie Button said...

no, i am embarrassed! For some reason (PMT PMT PMT) i thought the world was against me yesterday - very unattractive i know! but thanks for your kind response anyway - i didn't deserve it! (Tom saw me typing the comment last night and said "leave the poor woman alone!"

Self employed mum said...

Hi Sparx, there has always been someone at the front door! Now that the children are 10 and 8 (tomorrow) I've decided they are big enough that I can lock the door! Thanks for your help on the cat issue, just wondering what larvae looks like? would I know it if I saw it?

Sparx said...

MM - ooh goody, will pop over for a look-see.

Sparx said...

Kat! Eugh!! I really laughed at the mental image I had of the spud painting the sofa with the loo brush. Then I had to stop in case I was somehow karmically going to make it happen! Thanks for coming by!

Sparx said...

Darth, I nearly peed myself at this - another mental image of the spud, leaning in curiously... I had to read that (and Kat's comment before you) out loud to the frog just now I was laughing so much! Good to see you!

Sparx said...

Elsie - just you go ahead and write whatever you want - I've been there too and I don't mind a bit. And I should have commented. I'm still working my way down my own list from weeks ago, being v slow about it all.

Sparx said...

SEM - yes, time to lock the door methinks! The larvae were white and squishy and bigger than you'd expect - I didn't think they'd be big enough to spot but you can. (for anyone confused, this is in response to SEM's recent post about cat fleas!)

DJ Kirkby said...

I can't stand it (in the best possible sense), you are too funny! Please, please, please, submit this blog to The Friday Project! Oh and what I actualy came over to say was, come watch my post for today, I think it is funny!

Jennie said...

A 5 doesn't do it. I'm off the scales. I'm usually not that squirmish with germs, but upon discovering my little diddums in an imaginary French maid outfit cleaning the bathroom floor the The Brush, I immediately strip him of everything, throw him mercilessly in the bath for a scrubbing and top it off with a good tooth brushing (you never know).

Also Sparx, I have another thing you must help me with. I have perused your brother's blog, and it appears that his real name is Hoto. Interesting. Were your parental units hippies, or is this just some common Canadian moniker I've never heard of? Likewise with Sparx..

Suki said...

Hahahaha!
Gotta love that little guy - he's turning into a worthy Frog all right, hey!

Haven't been around in a while, apologies. Just realised I wasn't subscribed to your feed. :(

I wonder where our twice-weekly or so doses of hysterical laughter will go when Charlie grows up. Don't stop writing, EVER! :D

Sparx said...

DJ - thanks for the recommendation, perhaps I will... and I'll pop over now for an update! Good to see you!

Sparx said...

Jennie - that's extremely funny - not sure what's more amusing, Dante on the floor with the loo brush or you throwing him in the bath afterwards! Guess we have to expect a certain amount of germs, hey? Hoto is my brother's real name but it's not what he was christened - our parents were vaguely hippyish but not quite that much! Sparx is a contraction of my first and last names, it has occasionally been a nickname so I kept it on to do some more work! Thanks for coming over!

Sparx said...

Suki - thanks hon! And don't worry, I'm terrible at catching up with blogs as well, I tend to go back and read two weeks or more at a time in one go just to catch up and it takes me another two weeks just to catch up with everyone else - so I don't come over that much either. Gread to see you.

lady macleod said...

Brilliant, brilliant child! I remember those kisses! I think the paint brush thing is talent indeed, the synapses are clicking in the Spud. Enjoy! I love re-living Q's childhood through stories of the Spud (sigh). I should take him for my date to the wedding! Does he have a tux?

Sparx said...

Lady Macleod - no, but I'm sure he can still fit into the white linen nehru jacket and trousers I made him for his christening! I'm sure Q would rather not have a shouting infant interrupting her vows however! Thanks for the nice words, great to see you!

The HOR blogger said...

"‘My god, he really is French.'"

Oh lord Sparx, that's too cute for words! And never mind the toilet brush, those paint jars are WAY smaller and takes like, dexterity and stuff.

Sparx said...

Hey Hor! Yes, you're RIGHT - he IS a genius!! Thanks for making my day!