Sunday, September 14, 2008

Acts of retention

There's something about having a son that just doesn't get discussed among women. It's the elephant in the kitchen if you like - or rather, the elephant's nose.

While women are capable of doing pretty much anything, the care and maintenance of a penis is something that, while I'm sure we all have some pretty strong ideas on, we've not generally had to manage on a daily basis... minds out of the gutter please. This all changes with the advent of a baby boy into one's life and suddenly one has to think about things such as foreskins; pointing a willy so pee goes into nappy rather than belly button, dealing with the 'pee arc', cleanliness, avoidance of zippers and, most importantly, aiming wee into a toilet.

This last point is one on which one's husband should usefully be instructing however there are days in which no husband is available and it is only a Mummy and her little potty-trainer. Not to embarrass the spud overly I have to say that he has cottoned on to the big issues very quickly, however when it comes to the old 'point and shoot' he's decided to solve the problem of directional randomness by hanging on with a very tight grip. Now. Anyone who has squeezed the end of a hose or blocked a running tap with a finger will have a clue as to the outcome of this particular strategy... as in rather than resembling a little teapot (beyond the 'short and stout' part) he resembles a bottle of windex which doesn't only 'clean' the loo, but also the walls, the floors, his clothes and his fingers. It's not all good.

Apart from a little collateral damage we are accident free on the potty training front - this is however helped enormously by the fact that currently we are only working with number 1. Our normally regular little potato has decided to hold on to his ass...ets for as long as possible and is now releasing equity only once every two or three days - normally in his sleep which is something he has not done since he was a few months old. This tells me that he is worried in some way about spending anything more than a penny in the facilities provided and is becoming retentive in the most literal manner possible. Talking to another mother who is potty training it turns out that her little boy is doing exactly the same which is somewhat reassuring however I am now looking for as many ways as possible to help my little accountant release his capital without losing interest... ba dum dum.

In the meantime we soldier on however if you fancy dropping round for a visit I may be putting you off for a month or so until business returns to normal.

28 comments:

Marie said...

Love the way that was written...I couldn't help laughing all the way through (and being thankful that I have all girls for the potty-training events!)

As for his "holding on to his ass..ets", perhaps you could "loosen" his grip on them...maybe in the way of a little prune juice or something similar to get things going.. We had to do this with my second. Just a bit of prune juice was enough where she couldn't hold it FOREVER, but was still able to control the situation...

I have one more to potty train, but not till next year, and can I say I'm dreading it already?? Good luck!

Sparx said...

Marie - thanks for popping over! A handy hint indeed, I may try this one out if it keeps on going...!

Michelle said...

Good luck with this, Sparx. We eat oatmeal everyday for this very reason :)

Steph said...

I raised two boys and I was a single mom. I promise you these things work themselves out; nature runs strong in boys. The hard part was teaching them the not-so-natural things, like closing the seat and lid, closing the bathroom door, and yes, getting their aim right. The thing that worked best for me in that regard? I drew a target on a piece of plastic (if I recall, I cut up a blow-up pool toy to make a round shape. They had a great time with that and all I had to do was wash it between uses. My guys are 34 and 38, and they seem to have learned well.

Found you via the Black Box!

liz fenwick said...

You brought back memories - my 'little guys' are now respectively 14 and 16 and little is term that can be applied! What helped the 14 yr old on the second problem was spending time with little friends at the same stage who had not problem - copy cat if you like.

However some days even now I do wonder about their aim as for lifting the seat!!!!

Came here via the black boxes widget :-)

~nm said...

hahaha! That was hilarious!!

Sparx said...

Michelle - Thanks again, outmeal added to the agenda!

Steph - two boys and a single Mum? Oh my. Found you via Black Box too - how addictive is that?!

Hi Liz - welcome! It does seem to work, the monkey-see monkey-do thing hey? Thanks for commenting!

~nm - thanks hon!

Jennie said...

Ahhh, thank you for the insights on the nighttime dump! Dante's been waking up with a load in his diaper recently. I think he's a bit peeved that his baby brother is legitimately wearing a diaper at all times and despises our efforts to clean him up a bit so he can get a girlfriend one day. Ah well. I suspect it will all work out eventually. I at least heard that the worst possible thing is to put too much pressure on the wee ones in this delicate matter. Well written, as always!

Joe said...

Too funny! Have to tried dropping those little targets in the bowl to help him aim? It's amusing if nothing else.

Thanks for dropping by my blog and for taking the time to comment.

Nell said...

Found you via the black box. Cheerio's in the toilet are great floating targets to improve aim.

Jessica Raymond said...

Hi, I came here from Black Boxes. I have a 15-month-old son and was hoping to start potty training soon but (a) have seen no signs to show he is ready, apart from him being able to sit still once in a while; and (b) have been told that boys take a lot longer than girls. Maybe next year!

Hoto said...

Ha! Good one sis. Well dropping the kids off at the pool can be a tiresome chore, especially if he's opposed to drowning some kittens. If he's not doing the sour apple quick step or prepping a bombay mix, then updating the Captain's Log with Billy Wright may be in order. If he waits long enough you may end up with a dead otter of Dreadnought proportions in the cludgie. If he still won't park his breakfast, or doesn't have the materials to build a log cabin then you might avoid the banana hinder binders and try a chocolate eclair and some fresh fruit instead to rivet some copper bolts into the Cleveland Steamer's hull.

Chimera said...

Black boxed to you! lovely post.
Chimera

Jen said...

Funny stuff! Loved your analogies. For the aim problem, throw some cheerios into the bowl and have him aim at them.
For the other, pear juice is great.

Helen/ilana said...

Food dye. I kid you not. You put blue in the water. He aims and gets..... c'mon now folks I know you know the answer....... GrEeN!!! What fun! Oh yeah and Smarties. Worked a treat for me. Lastly I may be alone in this one but I taught my boys that one sits on a throne and stands at a urinal. No urinals at home? Hey no standing. And more to the point (sorry 'bout that) no puddles! I let The Mench teach them about urinals and trees.

Sparx said...

Jennie - I hear that older ones do slip a little when babies are about - I'm sure Dante will sort it out soon - can't be nice, all that nappy poo.

Joe - you're welcome. I've been back again via black box by the way.

Nell - thanks for that, good one!

Jessica - we just sat the potty out in plain view until he couldn't resist it. It did take ages though and we also started around 15 months... keep at it.

Hoto - Mummy, this lemonade tastes funny!

Chimera - thank you for commenting!

Jen - great to see you - am definitely going to try out the cheerios.

Helen - right, I'm with you on this, although the spud does seem to want to stand up... hmmm...

Thanks everyone who has commented via the black box, very kind of you.

Posh Totty said...

Great blog :o) .... was sent here via my black box, well done on the toilet training, this is an issue very close to my heart.

Lindy said...

Hey Sparx, My lil bro is Autistic and had one hell of a time letting go of his "as-sets" (bwa you are so funny :P )

Listen I know you've probably gotten a THOUSAND advices but here's one more that worked for his mom and my dad.

They put a puzzle with BIG peices up on the wall next to the potty. Whenever he pee'd in the toilet he got to put up a peice of it and he was totally geeked at getting to put it together, he even made up excuses to pee. :P Soooo they tried that with the poo'ing as well but at first they had to give him a puzzle peice for just sitting on the potty and trying. But the cool thing was, he at least got COMFORTABLE sitting on the dang thing - he was so scared! And finaly Sissy (me) bribed his ass that if he would be a big boy and poo in the potty that I would take him to the gigantic dionosaur museum.

Needless to say he's going to get a bumper sticker later in life that say's "Will shit for Dionasuars"

Is there anything SO HUGE that he wants SOOOO BAAAADD that you could try and bribe him with?

Ok, that's enough stuff you've probably already heard, GOOD LUCK to you! I'll keep you guys in my thoughts :)

Jonny's Mommy said...

What is Black Box? Must learn more :-)

Jonny's Mommy said...

Oh, hey! My other comment didn't go through!

I wrote how Hubby won't let JG watch him pee so it will be up to me to figure out how to get him to pee in the toilet, I guess. That is when he is interested, because right now he totally isn't!

But I'll check back on you guys to kepe up with how it is going.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Hi, came via the black box although have seen you on various blog lists and thought I should visit. Good luck with the poo thing. Feel like I know your family a little too well already...

ilana (Helen) Pengelly said...

Oh Sparx what did you do to me. I'm lost in the black box.........

Tiff said...

I'm dealing with that now!! LOL thanks for the visual image. COming to you from the Black Boxes!

(Very) Lost in France said...

Another one via Black Boxes. Oh, you made me giggle! I remember thinking the very same when confronted with my son. Ohmigod, he's got a willy! What do I need to know? He always favoured sitting down to pee so we didn't have the 'windex' problem and fortunately, when he deciding that sitting was for sissies, he was well past that age. Great blog. Shall return soon. VLiF

Sparx said...

Posh - Thanks! Will drop by for a visit - thanks for commenting!

Lindy - will shit for dinosaurs! HAHAHAHAHA!

Jonnny's Mommy - he'll get interested, don't you worry! It's all happening very fast round ours now that he's got the hang of it.

A confused Take That fan - likewise, have seen you around too - will come by for a visit, thanks for commenting!

Helen - I know, me too!

Tiff - you too! Lots of us out there. Will drop by in a bit, thanks for the comment!

VLiF - thanks for visiting and commenting - will come by your way as well... you're v lucky on the windex by the way, it's a real pain!

Joni said...

Both of our sons went through this. The main thing I would suggest: lots of fiber in the diet! And much praise when he makes any effort at all to use the toilet for a b.m.

Helen said...

I don't know what to tell you. I'm laughing to hard to think of any good advice. We got a singing potty for my youngest daughter because she flat out refused to go on a standard potty. The singing potty makes music every time she opens the lid, and then again when she sits on it, and again when she pees, again when she closes the lid, and one final time when she hits the little flushie handle. She is going more often now, but when I ask her if she wants to poop on the potty, all she'll do is sit and fart and tell me she's done.

Potty training is not for the faint of fart-- er, heart.

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