Sunday, April 13, 2008

not sure what to put here

Well, a few short months after her 100th birthday my very beloved Grandmother has left us. This morning at 5:10am GMT she passed quietly on in bed with her youngest son and daughter-in-law, my Uncle and Aunt who have been looking after her these past two years, in attendance. My Dad had just left, my brother had been there earlier. I had rung in hope of talking to her but she was already on her way and all he could do was talk to her for both of us and hope she could hear.

Today I’m exhausted, as though her passing has taken all the energy I had, sitting here on the other side of the Atlantic. I don't know why this is, I have done nothing more energetic than think of her. If anyone should feel drained now it would be my family in Canada who have been looking after her for years and who have been with her all the way – and by that, I mean their own childhoods through to her retirement, the death of my Grandfather through the last decades of her life to today, visiting her, clearing her property of brush and overgrowth, checking her fridge, talking to her doctors, fixing the boat, helping her down to the lake, spending the most valuable of all their commodities, time.

It's not easy to think that she is finally gone. I’ve been saying goodbye to her as though it might be final every time I’ve seen her for a decade or more. Every time I see her she says ‘This could be the last time, I won’t live forever you know’ and I give her a little squeeze and think secretly that she will never die. So, somehow, although I know she is dead I also know that she’s still here the way she’s always been here, with her deft fingers in my fingers and her stubborn streak shoring up my own. I can picture her clearly, clearing her throat and saying something offhand and her voice will always be in my head. She’ll always be here and so in some way I will never miss her.

Today has been emotional but not sad. The quiet, peaceful passing amongst family of a woman of more than 100 years who was ready to go is not a sad occasion but it is one for reflection. Farewell Sybil, happy passing. And I was lying. I do miss you.

23 comments:

Joni said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's never easy to lose someone we love, even when we think we're ready to let them go. She sounds like a wonderful person. The memories of your times together are a precious treasure.

May God be with you...

Ryan & Michelle said...

She does live on in you and in all the memories that you have created with her. Just from reading the stories that you have shared about her here on your blog, I know that she was extraordinary and that she has profoundly impacted your life. I am glad to have known her through you.

Driving With the Brakes On said...

I am so sorry to hear of your Grandmother's passing. I have throughly enjoyed reading posts about her in the past, and know not only what an amazing woman she was, but how special she was to you and what a tremendous impact she had on your life. I know your memories of her will be deeply cherished. Gentle hugs to you!

Suki said...

:hugs:

Elsie Button said...

i am so sorry to hear this, it is really tough, but what a wonderful healthy attitude you have

Jonny's Mommy said...

I remember when my grandmother passed I felt the same way...like she would never pass away.

It was somewhat expected, but not, and I cried and grieved at the weirdest times after she passed.

Give Spud an extra hug..it might help things just a bit. Sounds like you are OK for the most part.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

Jen said...

It doesn't matter how old a person is - it always feels to soon to say goodbye. Every time I would read about your grandmother, it made me miss mine so much. Amazing women, and we have wonderful memories of them.

Hoto said...

Beautiful Sis. Just beautiful.

Love you

H

Sparx said...

Thanks everyone... I can't actually read this post without getting a little teary but thanks for your comments. I love you too Hoto.

Anonymous said...

you teared me up as well....

D.

Jennie said...

Damn, got a little moist too. Reminds me to let my own gran know she is loved and appreciated.

How lovely that she waited until after her family came from far and wide for her birthday!

Rob Clack said...

Oh Sparx, what can I say? Just what you said, I think. Take care, I'm thinking of you. Rx

Ms Anonymous said...

Oh Sparx, I'm super sorry to hear that. She sounded like quite a character.

jenny said...

Oh sweetie-- I'm sorry to hear of your grandmother passing. I've enjoyed your stories of her in the past and she does live on, in your heart and your words.

I am thinking of you and hug your son tighter when you remember her. xoxo

DJ Kirkby said...

Your post made me weepy...sad for you but happy for Sybil. xo

sufferingsummer said...

This post made me tear up. My beloved Grandmother passed away in Feb. I felt like you, like she would live forever. I am thankful we moved near her in the last year and a half of her life and I was able to be there the day before she died but even being there didn't change any of the disbelief that she was actually gone. I think when we lose people of such life long influence no matter how joyous their passing may be we will never cease to miss them. You and your family are in my thoughts today.

Anna K. said...

I'm glad to hear that you have wonderful memories to look back on with fondness. From the way you write about her, I can tell that she was not only much-loved by you and your family, but liked as well. You have my sympathies for her passing and the pain of missing her.

I still miss my Grandma.

ilana (Helen) Pengelly said...

Sybil's memory; all the good and holy sparks she raised up in the world - will surely be for a blessing. Not the least of which is you. Love Helen.

Sparx said...

Thanks again everyone... just waiting for the funeral on Saturday... a bit worse for wear our family at the moment, all your lovely comments are so appreciated, thank you so much.

Sue said...

Have been away. So sorry to hear of your loss. On the other hand, I hope you don't mind me saying it, but I think it's pretty cool she did the 100th birthday. Too many people nearly make it but don't quite.

Frog in the Field said...

Oh Sparx, so sorry to read your sad news, such a lovingly written post.
Huge hugs to you.
Frog
x

BarefootPhotographer said...

I am so sorry to read of your loss... It is a beautifully written tribute to what sounds like an amazing woman. Hugs coming from 1/2 way across the world!

Sparx said...

Thank you everyone, your words mean much. I love her a lot, still.