I’m in a state of pause on blogs. I have an award to acknowledge (thank you Rob Clack!) and two Memes to do and I thought I’d do them all at once… only they all involve so many hyperlinks and tags that I just can’t get the energy or the time together. It involves concentration and thinking about things and I don’t have any brain cells going spare just now.
Things are fine round our way except for the fact that I can no longer guess what it is that my son is on about most of the time. This is the thing. You have a baby, you get used to baby needs, you know, boob, nappy, boob and as they start wanting more advanced options they just ask for them with variations on the whinge. After a while a parent can get quite smug about their ability to decipher whinge and by identifying a simple change in pitch can accurately say whether their offspring is in charge of a dirty nappy, a thirst or an empty belly.
All these open lines of communication slam shut perversely just as snookums begins his long walk down the path to speech. It’s not the spud’s strangled frenchified vowels or his erratic consonants that are causing trouble though, as when it comes to the usual sets of needs we understand each other just fine. It’s interpreting all these advanced weirdo desires that are giving me these headaches.
I, just for argument, am going to play the part of my son here for a second and you, you are going to be me. Put down the martini. OK, now first I’m going to walk into the room. I’m going to point at the ceiling and you have to understand that I want you to test the smoke alarm. If you don’t, I am going to sit down, turn red and cry and if you don’t pick me up RIGHT NOW and PRESS the button goddamn you, I am going to lie down and start hitting my head on the floor. OK, great, thanks for the big, ear-splitting battery-wasting beep. Now, I am going to climb on top of the stereo to reach the buttons hidden behind the TV screen that ONLY I know what they do and I’m going to press one so that you CAN NEVER watch TV again and if you try to stop me –here I go again! Next, I’m going to walk up to you and burst into tears and point around the room in a circle. Who knows what I want. Maybe I want to put my hand into the cutlery drawer. Maybe I want to open the fridge and take out the cheese. Maybe I want to start the coffee machine. Hey, I did it yesterday so I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WOMAN just let me get on with it or we’re through.
How’d you get on? I thought so. What? Oh go on. It is, after all, a very good martini.