Thursday, May 10, 2007

Family matters...

We've just taken the Maternal Parental Units off a plane from Canada and put them on one to France where they are currently touring around in a Peugeot being very European and visiting family and old friends. This is because, despite Agincourt, most sensible English people of my parents' generation have buggered off to live in France where good wine is cheap, the food is fantastic and their pensions can buy twice as much.

Since the Frog's Parental Units are also in France (being genuinely French as opposed to migratory Brits), this continental confluence of grandparents can mean only one thing... yes, a room full of grandparents.

Those of you with children and two sets of parents may know what is in store for us, however due to the continental drifters on both sides of Charlie's ancestry we have never had both sets of parents together in the same room as our little spud. My mind has been boggling in and out dizzyingly trying to imagine this.

Further, for the benefit of one of these sets of chirpy septuagenarians (it's called Poetic License, Dad) we have decided to add to the stress excitement of this situation by committing a Christening at the same time. Now, religious implications aside, Christenings are more complex than I had thought at first go. Firstly, there's all the preparation, meeting and greeting of priests and oganisation of churches, choosing of catechisms and the rest, agreeing choices with the million other parents also having their child christened in that church on that day, flying godparents in from outer space and agreeing the lunch menu with a tribe of French foodies. Secondly, there's the creation of the glistering white outfit for my little cherub to wear on his big day and that, of course, is the biggest part of the stress excitement for me given that I rashly decided to make this outfit myself and bought fabric for that very reason.

Why I thought that this was something I could do I have no idea, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Particularly, I add, as it prevented said grey heads from purchasing an outfit over which we would have no control and which, given the pictures we've recently seen of our own christenings, would have involved yards of lace and perhaps even some tulle which Charlie would have had a wonderful time pulling apart during the ceremony.

As it is, I am having kittens worrying about how to keep him quiet for the length of the ceremony and imagining scenario after scenario of him squirming out of the Padre's arms and crashing to the 11th century stone floor, or squirming around in his arms and grabbing his glasses and sending them crashing to the 11th century stone floor or any one of a number of other pictures I have in my head involving a white linen trouser suit and various bodily fluids erupting from one end or another into the font/down the Padre's cassock/onto the 11th century stone floor. Well, it's easier to worry about the event itself than it is to actually make the outfit.

However, combining the Christening and the prospect of four days discussing whose body parts are currently growing in my son's body while translating between three people who don't speak each other's language and a fourth who speaks pieces of so many languages that if you ask him a question in French he's liable to answer it in a medly of Russian and Spanish is making the prospect of sewing a trouser suit seem like an easy option. Do I win for longest sentence?

19 comments:

lady macleod said...

You win for the best plan to drive yourself to an early onset of some memory deficit nervous disorder!

Funny stuff. I was giggling over the paragraph of possible scenarios in the 11th century church. I can laugh, I am all done with mine. I am thinking when the day comes, I can relax as the grandame, yes?

Let us see a photograph of the big event. Something will go wrong and it will be fine. If nothing goes wrong, you won't have a story! It's a win - win.

DJ Kirkby said...

Hello... too funny as usual! Been there too though we called it a Naming so the Church didnt burst into flames over our hypocrysity (spell checker, where is the spell checker?). The Church was VERY modern (well the minister was not
the Church), as his dog was up on the altar with everyone during the ceremony! No I am NOT making this up! The pictures of the day are precious to me and if I squint just right I can ignore the fact that the photographer was obviously rubbish as I look quite plump in all of them, (but hey that is what you get when you opt out of free retouching of said photos!)You will look back fondly on your day (Oops I mean your son's day of course...), when the champagne bubbles are popping inside you and everyone is telling you how marvellously clever you two are for having created such a beautiful little person without an instruction manaual.

Conor said...

Well, sounds like you are in for an exciting few days, and yes I do mean exciting in the 15 minutes of thrilling soundtrack and special effects that climax in a plane crash in the Andes setting the scene for cannablism among friends and heart warming rescue stories!

My heart goes out to you, I can honestly say I do not envy you in the slightest. Still, at least you can drown your self in afore mentioned cheap good wine.

Self employed mum x said...

Hilarious as usual, not the situation, just the way you put it! Like the christening outfit I decided I could make my wedding cake after all I went to catering college for 3 years. 1 attempt who was I kidding. Decided from that point on to either buy or get someone else to do it and have never looked back

Bel said...

It's the agonizing choice between doing everything twice, or doing it once and have it all messed up. Although in your case I guess it's difficult to organize family events as it is with everyone living so far apart.
I'd say I feel your pain, but I have enough pain as it is myself.

;)
Bel

Lindystar said...

Ok, I've got it, first off remember that with all of those adults around it will be a GREAT chance for you to look harried/wretched and tell them that you have been sooo busy with said spud that you would be SSOOOO apreciative if they would give you a half day or so to go run important errands that haven been getting put to the side. (i.e. riding your bike, going to fru fru stores and buying yourself girlie stuff all by yourself just for the shit of it)

OMG turn that fabric into fancy dishtowles and BUY the outfit. It's the thought that counted.

And for heavens sake get the foodies a deli tray.

And you can't worry about padre dude droppin the babe cuz he's done it a thousand times and probobly has a special baby vice routine down pat from years and years of sqworms.

And yes you DO win for longest sentance AND being funny the same time as being freaked out. You rock.

Elsie Button said...

your blog really makes me laugh, and i can relate to everything you say - but have to say, you are a pretty hardcare mum (meant in a good way), taking charlie to france, canada etc. I am the opposite (wish i wasn't) and i am getting stressed about taking betty about 80 miles up the road to stay with her grandma. I need to lighten up! my blog is more about my neurotic behaviour and paranoia as a new mum! I need to take tips form you. Have a great christening!

Pipe Dreamer: said...

I haven't attended many Christenings, but if I'd realized how much background stress there was, maybe I'd have appreciated them more! Although I did stand in for the Godfather at one of these events - he couldn't make it! Didn't know one could do that. (Not that he turned out to be much of a godfather.)Anyway, couldn't you get one of the Grandmas to stand in for you, while you take a ride on your bike and let off some steam? And strap Charlie to you. I'm sure he'd like that. (Any neighbours'kids who could substitute for him?) You won't have to make the outfit, you'll save Charlie and the 11th century stone floor - and you won't have to make conversation again for the rest of the family visit. You wouldn't get a word in edgeways - in any language.

Okay, well maybe not. Enjoy the event - I'm quite sure that you'll carry it off with aplomb.

BOSSY said...

You win for most creative worrying.

Elsie Button said...

i meant 'hardcore' not 'hardcare'.

darth sardonic said...

you win somethin! i laughed my ass off. the christening will be both wonderful, and stressful, and your sprog will probably pull some kind of shenanigans (i recently discovered i was sticking too many n's in this word) and they will be cute and funny, and no doubt the father has been through it all before.

Joe and Ally said...

Have fun! I am dreading the preparation of our own event (to take place on Father's Day, of all days). Be sure and let us know how it goes.....

scarlettscion said...

Well, eventually after the Christining business they grow up, start yelling at you about daring to have your own blog and a facebook account, and *still* occasionally get sick and vomit all over you. However, I can hold better conversations and cook dinner now....so it's a mixed bag from here on out, really ;-) Funny post, I found your blog through my mother's (Lady MacLeod).

Deb said...

Being a grandmother(pronounced "Noni" by my little, little)I see you trying to do everything right to make everyone happy. You are obviously very creative and humorous in your writing;I was laughing to myself as I drank my second cup of coffee. I am new to blogging and have found it very fulfulling as I have gotten older and am an "empty nester". This is the first time I have had the courage to comment on anyone's blog. I also love to read the style each one is talented with and obviously the confidence with which we pen our thoughts and feelings. I have enjoyed reading your blog and the other's comments. I live in Oklahoma, USA. I have friends in England and in Canada. I have visited Canada several times and have yet to travel to England. Being of Scottish/Irish decent, I have longed to travel to these beautiful places before I depart. I hope you will enjoy this chapter in your life. Sincerely, msdeb41@yahoo.com

Andres Carl Sena said...

i've seen longer, but probably not as entertaining

lady macleod said...

13 May 2007
Happy Mother's Day sparx!

Sparx said...

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Anonymous said...

I think a French Christening of a British Baby in a Catholic church with both pagans and atheists equally represented should invite, nay DEMAND, a noxious and liquid defectation from the Christened.

Sparx said...

Aaah, you're just jealous you can't com (I know who you are!!)