Monday, August 02, 2010

umpa lumpa shove it up your jumper

I like to think that over the years I have learned to curb the worst of my disorganisation and to keep the bulk of the chaos in my head from leaking out and getting all over my life; sadly it seems I am not quite there.

I was in the market recently for a Christening present for my God-daughter-to-be. After looking high and low in every department store in town I was very happy to find exactly what I wanted in John Lewis, a lovely little silver cross on a delicate chain; sadly the clerk checked and double-checked the stock then and asked her manager to go and look again before telling me that definitively there were none left. Seeing my down-cast face, the manager brightened up, opened the display case, took out the cross and then took her time with the silver cloth polishing it. She found a box in perfect condition, located the original silk bag, boxed it, checked it again and only then would she take my money.

By this point she'd spent about 15 minutes helping me out, none-the-less she jumped me to the front of the queue and rang it up, at which point I opened my handbag to discover that my bank-card was gone and I had no cash.

I cast my mind back and clear as day recalled buying a top-up for my oyster card that morning and telling myself as I jammed my card away that I was putting it somewhere stupid and would probably never find it again. Cursing myself under my breath but with renewed effort, knowing that it was just hidden and not actually lost, I redoubled my efforts, patting and prodding and yanking endless piles of crap out of the maw of my bag.

The manager watched as the minutae of my life began to take shape on her counter. I told her, as I pulled out tissues and toy car wheels, that I knew I'd put it somewhere stupid. She smiled, indulgently. I searched. She gamely kept smiling.

Just as I was down to the lint balls and feeling the lining hopefully, I remembered where I had put my card. With a flourish, I dove in and pulled it... out of my bra.

The look on her face was worth every second I spent fumbling around in the damn bag. After we had both fallen about fairly substantially I left thinking that sometimes a little bit of chaos isn't such a bad thing. Nor, for that matter, is a decent bra...

17 comments:

Hoto said...

Ha! Shell and I saw a gal with a classic iPod stuffed in her running bra the other day. It's a new trend. You are at the vanguard.

Breasts are SO useful for EVERYTHING.

I wholeheartedly endorse breasts and breast-wear as a means for EVERYTHING.

darth sardonic said...

i'm with hoto, yay for breasts!! and here's a stumper, if you have a massive bag (or massive breasts, take your pick) why use the other receptacle?

Helen + ilana = Hi said...

Is it merely a coincidence that the first two comments were from blokes? and one of them yer brother??


I'm just askin'.....

Raz said...

I always keep a spare £10 down my bra on a night out for a taxi home.

Sensible, eh?

Sparx said...

Hoto - you are SO right. Breasts are useful for all sorts of things. Confusing the hell out of blokes: #1.

Darth - I have NO idea. It was early. I was in a rush. You know. And boobs are just... there... So handy.

Helen - Blokes cannot resist a good boob joke, face it.

Raz - I am 100% with you... I got undressed the other day and a tenner fell out of my bra, I was so pleased. It was there in case of ice-cream emergencies mind you but taxi fare is totally valid; provided you don't get felt up firstly - first one to first base gets a bonus! Sorry. Bad taste but couldn't resist...

justherdingcats said...

Go for it Sparx, one minute you are whipping your bra off on the beach and the next its in John Lewis!! Sort of............... I am impressed.

Elsie Button said...

yep a lot of bra talk going on...

would you believe me if i said that i kept shouting at the computer screen 'check in your bra!!!'

Sparx said...

Justherdingcats - I know, at the moment I seem to be having many decolletage-related incidents!

Elsie - no!!! You've really made me laugh... I'm so glad to hear that I am not alone in using my lingerie for extra storage. I'm wondering what a straw-poll of women on the street would reveal now - "Do you store money in your bra - Yes or No?"

Mum said...

Havr a mite of pity for the flat chested, please

abloggerscookbook said...

ROFL! I can just picture it! Actually, the bra is the favoured place for money storage in South Africa, if you're female. Males tend to use their sock or shoe. I knoe which place I would rather be paid from!

Metropolitan Mum said...

Ha! That's the best excuse I have ever had to go underwear shopping. Off she goes...

Muddling Along Mummy said...

My Swedish extra grandmother always used to put her money in her bra - I have been known to follow her example, not least by using it to hold my mobile phone... and yes you do get some strange looks!

Sparx said...

Muddling Along - you have an Swedish Extra Grandmother? I love it - she sounds brilliant.

Iota said...

Ha! The bra!

Do they make them with credit card pockets these days? That would be good.

Sparx said...

Iota - gap in the market! gap in the market!!!

Methusula Mum said...

Very funny -I love the way you write and the title of your blog. PS: this is a real true blurt- and not a superficial nicety- I don't have the mental capacity for pleaasantries!

Methusula Mum said...

Very funny -I love the way you write and the title of your blog. PS: this is a real true blurt- and not a superficial nicety- I don't have the mental capacity for pleaasantries!