strange cravings...

I notice that I seem to have a new craving - something that I wouldn't normally have anything to do with, something that I don't actually like, but something I can't seem to get enough of... What is it you may ask? Bleach? Coal? Pepperami? Nope, it's the act of talking about my pregnancy.

What a holy bore I've become - and the worst thing about it is that everyone indulges me, all the time. I can see my friend's glazing over - 'Here she goes again, blathering on about her ankles and her blood pressure - just indulge her'. They smile and nod, they ask polite questions about whether the baby is kicking and I hose them down with a waterfall of information about my digestion. I mean, really. I Must Be Stopped. And it bore me too - bores me relentlessly. All the questions. 'When's it due?' 'Are you excited?' 'Is it kicking?' 'Do you know... oh a boy, why did you find out?' Well why did you ASK?

So I make a feeble effort to turn the conversation away to something else but sure as eggs are eggs, back it steers. Hideous. I don't really want to talk about it - honestly. It's just that talking about it is easier than THINKING about it, which is really quite frightening. The list of things to do is looming and people are beginning to ask about it ("have you started the room/buying clothes/choosing cots/contacting nurseries yet?" "NO! Fuck off!")

As people become more familiar with the pregnant version of me, they stop asking questions and start commenting. "You'd better start planning for child-care now you know" "You're only going to get bigger, heh heh heh" "I wouldn't do that at your age for any money" "Where are you going to put all this stuff when the baby comes?" "That's it for your whole life now, I guess" "He's going to have to come out somehow" (really??)

It's like the grimy underbelly of this strange new universe I'm in where everyone is nice to me "Here, have extra for the baby" "oh no, you first" "Let me carry that" "Would you like my seat?" "Here, put your feet up" "Ooh, you really are huge now, aren't you?". A nice, comforting feeling of safety followed by a baseball bat of reality to the head - 'Ah yes', says the world, 'we're letting you enjoy the next few months because the rest of your life is going to be a BIG NIGHTMARE!!!! Moo ha ha haaaa!'

Ultimately, if I stopped talking about it, so would everyone else, but... well it's really hard not to talk about it. It's like dream-topping conversation - easy, instant, content-free. It's about all my brain can handle.