Lacuna

So this is pretty much my life now.  Everything is on fire, and what wasn't burning already, I've struck a match underneath and lit up anyway.

I get like this.  When things start to slide and I can't hold them back, I start looking for things I can throw onto the pile.  It's like a mania, I start throwing shit out of my life and I can't really stop until everything is gone except the stuff I feel is completely safe.

A year ago I threw the frog out, finally.  It was about time.  Even the child was fine with this.  I then started doing All The Things I couldn't do with him around and because there were so many of them, I started doing too much, until I realised I was holding on to way too many things, I was running a mile a minute, two miles a minute, more.

Things started dropping and sliding, stuff caught fire.  At first I resisted, then I realised how good it felt to let go of some of this stuff... now I'm in full 'Burn It!' mode.  It feels good.

But, there's a but, the problem is, I threw out something quite precious.  I didn't mean to, I just felt it slipping a bit and decided it was unsafe, so I put it on the bonfire to see what would happen and sadly, it seems to be going up in smoke.

I've never pulled anything off this sort of fire before and this is something that should probably have burned up a while ago.  But it's a shame, it's given me a lot of comfort over the past year.  I guess once the fire has cooled off, perhaps the ashes will reveal some great truth.  Or maybe not.

Sometimes things just burn.